Seven Months, Four Days Ago

I wrote this...

It's hard to live in the present. I wish I could go back a year or even a day, or move ahead a year, or even a day, to escape today. Why is this? The future is a question mark of kerosene and electric sparks. And.. Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. As much as I love reminiscing, it turns into regretting more often than not. After all, hindsight is 20/20, and knowing this, its not hard regret.
I've thought a lot about the 23rd. I want to relive that night... it wasn't the best night of my life, and it wasn't too out of the ordinary but it was so flooded with feeling and irony I don't think I could ever forget it. Thanks to everyone who was there: you all played your part in an experience that will stick in my memory. Why do I want to relive that night? I guess it was just poetic in an odd sort of way... I think only one person would truly understand, but only because I've explained it to him. But I can't relive the 23rd, and that's okay. I can't recreate it in the future either...
I've thought a lot about my future, more than I should. I've thought how great it would be if I could just get past the end of this week (because our ENVD project would be done, and I'd be on the home stretch of my first semester of college!) I want to make my dreams a reality... living in a geodome, or an earthship, living simply (a lot like Thoreau, but a lot different form Thoreau!). A lot of things I wish I could have... ddrum ash kit (lol, dave...), more muscles, y2... on that note, I guess I should disassemble that tower roof finally. I guess I can't totally create my future either... after all, we serve a God who transcends time. Yes, we can make the choice of how to live our lives, but we can't command events to play out. I wish I had the power to fix circumstances in my life, and fix circumstances for other people, but I don't. And that's a good thing, because God knows what he's doing.
We were warriors, once. These words still resonate within my soul. These words have resonated within my soul since I read them. My friend wrote them.

When I was young, the smallest trick of light,
Could catch my eye,
Then life was new and every new day,
I thought that I could fly.
I believed in what I hoped for,
And I hoped for things unseen,
I had wings and dreams could soar,
I just don't feel like flying anymore.
When the stars threw down their spears,
Watered Heaven with their tears,
Before words were spoken,
Before eternity.

Dear Father, I need you,
Your strength my heart to mend.
I want to fly higher,
Every new day again.

When I was small, the furthest I could reach,
Was not so high,
Then I thought the world was so much smaller,
Feeling that I could fly.
Through distant deeps and skies,
Behind infinity,
Below the face of Heaven,
He stoops to create me.

Dear Father, I need you,
Your strength my heart to mend.
I want to fly higher,
Every new day again.

Man versus himself.
Man versus machine.
Man versus the world.
Mankind versus me.
The struggles go on,
The wisdom I lack,
The burdens keep pilling
Up on my back.
So hard to breathe,
To take the next step.
The mountain is high,
I wait in the depths.
Yearning for grace,
And hoping for peace.
Dear God...
Increase.
Healing hands of God have mercy on our unclean souls once again.
Jesus Christ, light of the world burning bright within our hearts forever.
Freedom means love without condition,
without a beginning or an end.
Here's my heart, let it be forever Your's,
Only You can make every new day seem so new.
"Every New Day" Reese Roper (Five Iron Frenzy)

How we've lost the faith of little children. It's no wonder so many lose their faith after high school: we are exposed to the "realities" of the world the farther we go out on our own. These "realities" include the importance of money and material goods, the non-existence of the spiritual realm, and the irrelevance of morality. Yes, we can do anything if we set our minds to it! We can believe what we want.... we shape our realities! Thus we create the god "I".
Ayn Rand erred in Anthem: she merely exchanged the god "We" for the god "I". Huxley presented two alternatives for the outcome of humanity in Brave New World: medicated sterile ignorance or savage religiousness. Neither is the right path, yet he's dead on predicting where society will be soon.
Perhaps our generation is beginning to see there's something missing. Perhaps YOU see there's something missing. In our grand pursuit of good, love, beauty, etc, we've missed it, because we've merely searched for things. And according to most people's estimation, we can never truly discover these qualities, because they're all relative anyway. Music is great, it soothes the soul, but why not seek the Creator of music Himself? We need food to survive, but how much more do we need the Bread of Life? Indeed gone after the god "I", and forsaken the Great "I AM".

And here I am complaining about living in the present. Maybe it's the hardest place to be because it's where I'm supposed to be. But even the present is temporary....
I think that's why I've been so fascinated recently with sustainable living and temporary shelters. Every building is temporary, from Zoser's Step Pyramid to the Cromlechs to the Parthenon. They're merely stone...
Even my home is temporary. I'm not quite sure where my home is anymore. I have a bedroom back in Colorado, and I have one here, and I do my time in Seaton (lol), but where is my home?

Father Abraham
Do you remember when
You were called to a land
And didn’t know the way

‘Cause we are wandering
In a foreign land
We are children of the
Promise of the faith

And I long to find it
Can you feel it, too?
That the sun that’s shining
Is a shadow of the truth

This is a far country, a far country
Not my home

In the dark of the night
I can feel the shadows all around me
Cold shadows in the corners of my heart

But the heart of the fight
Is not in the flesh but in the spirit
And the spirit’s got me shaking in the dark

And I long to go there
I can feel the truth
I can hear the promise
Of the angels of the moon

This is a far country, a far country
Not my home

I can see in the strip malls and the phone calls
The flaming swords of Eden
In the fast cash and the news flash
And the horn blast of war
In the sin-fraught cities of the dying and the dead
Like steel-wrought graveyards where the wicked never rest
To the high and lonely mountain in the groaning wilderness
We ache for what is lost
As we wait for the holy God
Of Father Abraham

I was made to go there
Out of this far country
To my home, to my home
"The Far Country", Andrew Peterson

Are you empty? Maybe you're longing for home. A true home. I know I am.
And attaining that home requires childlike faith.
Permit the children to come to Me; do not hinder them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it at all." -Jesus (Mark 10:14-15)

Believing a God exists somewhere out there one thing. But believing in JESUS CHRIST... there's a world of difference. We must become like children again, and forget the "realities" of the world. Even the present is temporary.

Jesus Christ, Light of the World
You never did forget me
and when i bled in darkness, You held
me
still held me
when desparate nights i cursed You
You loved me, still loved me
Jesus Christ, You dry the tears
You break my heart of stone
Your words are life
cut marrow through
the darkness, to the bone
a heart of flesh You gave me
only You can save me

Savior
Daylight
I am coming home
(excerpt from "Daylight", Brave Saint Saturn)

So I'm forgetting the past. I'm forgetting the future, or at least my conception of it. And the life I now live in the flesh I live for the Son of God, who loved me and delivered Himself up for me

We were warriors once. And I am becoming one again.